Sometimes it is difficult for me to revisit the season of infertility that my husband and I lived through. Partly because we’re still in the whirlwind of raising twin toddlers, and I can’t remember what happened yesterday. But mostly because it was incredibly generic, and I think God, in all his mercy, has let my mind forget it regularly.
A handful of times in the 5 years of struggling with infertility, I’d write down a reflection. Today I thought I’d share one - and maybe reflect on it.
January 2023: This year marked 4.5 years of trying to grow our family and 3 years working with medical professionals. This year concluded with one round of IVF ending with a failed embryo transfer and a second round of IVF ending with a miscarriage at 8 weeks in December.
To say this process has been profoundly difficult or the most painful experience of my life is an absolute understatement. I’ve experienced the deepest grief beyond what I thought was humanly possible and faced repeated disappointment. Hope deferred certainly makes the heart sick.
We’re 100% still in process and 100% in the process. I see glimpses of hope and light breaking through the darkness. I just don’t know how this story is going to play out, but today I choose to trust the Truth that God is working all things out for my good - even though it sure doesn’t feel that way.
When I go back to this time, I remember the heart sickness I was experiencing. Had I ever experienced heart sickness before infertility? I don’t actually think so. I had gone through seasons of depression and disappointment. I had struggled with fear and anxiety. I had heartache. But heart sickness, no. No pain in my life was comparable to those years of infertility.
There is a second part to that Scripture I referenced in my journaling.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12
Sitting on the other side of this verse now, with my longing fulfilled and experiencing the tree of life that comes from that, I thank God. I also hold on to the hope for those in my life (including you) that your hope deferred will not be deferred for much longer and that your longings for a child will be fulfilled.
